Friday, January 9, 2015

The Crazy Fat Ethel II Hall of Shame:Class of 2014

By Eric Polk-
A little late to the game as usual, but all good horror bloggers have a best of/worst of list. I'm not any different. Unlike other bloggers, however, I take the worst horror movies seen in a given year, place them in a shrine named after perhaps THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE!!!! Unlike most years, 2014 was not that bad in the world of horror. Some great, most meh, but I still found some doozies that achieve the honor of Summa Cum Lousy!


Want to see me and my tag team partner Rhonda get into an argument? Mention this latest remake of the movie based on Stephen King's debut novel! Despite what Rhonda will tell you, Julianne Moore stunk up the joint as Margaret White. She in no way emoted anything, producing more wood than a Ron Jeremy porn. Chloe Moretz-Grace was too cupcake as Carrie. She had sass which Carrie White is not suppose to have. Her monster faces were as intimidating as a basket of kittens in a Snuggle commercial. And then....the car scene. Yes, this seems like a 'bash the remake' rant, but it is what it is...A terrible, sanitized version of a classic.

The Cannibal Man(1972)-

Here's a thought. If you're going to title your Video Nasty with the word cannibal, HAVE SOME FUCKING CANNIBALS! Better yet, don't mess with the title. Some good kills are ruined by so much boredom, you only care about this movie when the credits rolls. And how did this become a Video Nasty?

Devil's Due(2014)-

A lost honeymooning couple in the Dominican Republic wind up at a bar courtesy of a very helpful cabbie and then, while knocked out, the wife becomes part of a satanic ritual in which..surprise, surprise...she's impregnated.

From there, it goes into A-Z as the wife has complications which include a deer smorgasbord, a major bout of road rage in a parking lot, and her deepening voice. All whilst the husband, who may want to lay off the filming, tries to figure it all out. There's not a whole lot more I can explain about the movie because it has much depth as a One Direction song.  The camerawork is just so damn annoying. Not very entertaining at all.

The Expelled(2013)-

This killers invaded a high school movie had so much potential to be great except for one thing:There is no ending! We're 77 minutes in, and the credits roll! Are you kidding me? We don't get an ending, proper or otherwise! A waste of a Saturday night. 

Dracula 3D(2012)-

Last year, inducted a Dario Argento movie almost earned me a trip to the hospital. I was that ill from inducting a movie from my favorite film director. This year, I have 0 qualms placing his take on Dracula into the Hall of Shame. The man who gave us the elegance of Suspiria resorts to lousy CGI to tell his tale. The praying mantis did this one in for me.


Note to self:When you meet John Amplas at Cinema Wasteland in April, DO NOT ask him about this movie if you do not wish to wind up in the Cuyahoga County Jail because you punched him for being in This movie would give Alice Robb enough ammo to continue to bash us horror fans. Low-budget shouldn't mean low effort. Laughable dialogue, action, you name it.  Russ Meyer thinks seeing these women in cages is messed up. I Spit On Your Grave thinks this movie is misogynistic. 

Stage Fright(2014)-

It was only a matter of time before the unlikely worlds of horror and....Glee met in this awful slasher movie not worthy of licking the boots of The Forest and Don't Go In The Woods...Alone. The attempts at comedy are rather tragic, the attempts at horror are even worse. Having Meat Loaf as the main character makes me question if when he sang "I Would Do Anything For Love(But I Won't Do That)" was he not referring to this movie. The bad guy singing crappy metal just made me want to toss the dvd into the trash heap. Instead, it earns an induction.

Nothing says 70s horror like a good nature goes berserk movie. This isn't one of them. The frogs do not attack the humans. They are just dumb enough not to look where they are going. And where is Sam Elliott's 'stache?

Grace:The Possessed(2014)-

For my final induction, we turn to this demonic possession movie that fails in effects, acting, you name it. Did Lin Shaye have to be in every horror effort in 2014? The first person POV shots worked in the Maniac remake, but here you see the walking, talking cliche of the tucked away Christian girl flung into the den of collegiate inequity. Let alone, it's very boring.
There you have for 2014. 2015 appears to be a healthy year for horror but I'm sure there will be some unflushable nuggets that will be in this year's class.  


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