Monday, December 9, 2013

The Crazy Fat Ethel II Hall of Shame:Class of 2013

By Eric Polk-
And so from the calender on the wall, it's December. Time to break out some classic Christmas movie fare such as the original Black Christmas and Silent Night, Deadly Heart along with inducting a fresh crop of celluloid crap into my ever-expanding Hall of Shame. In addition, both a novel and an episode of a beloved tv show get a spot into this less-than-prestigious club. Without further ado, here are the members of  the exclusive Crazy Fat Ethel II Hall of Shame:Class of 2013.

Perhaps the most shocking of inductions once you consider the man behind the lens is my favorite director. I will always root for Dario Argento the way I cheer for a favorite ballplayer who was, at one time, great. Yet, I have to be objective in the opinion this movie featuring a wooden-performing Adrien Brody is just awful. From the killer with the annoying voice(BEAU-TI-FUL!!!) to just some of the most unimaginative violent moments ever shown during an Argento film make me weep. Oh well, I can always break out either Suspiria or Deep Red to remember the director's golden past.

Don't get me wrong. I love blaxploitation movies and I love horror movies. I just don't love movies that requires us to see this movie with a 10,000 watt light bulb! Seriously, it's ok to use lighting in a low-budget film. You can also put some effort into your acting as well. My Cthulu, I wonder if Adrien Brody took cues from this movie when prepping for Giallo. Needless to say, this take on the Frankenstein mythos is an exercise in silliness and should be avoided.

I induct this movie because they take a concept I love(dystopian society) and turn it into a morass of predictable mediocrity. You can see all of the plot twists from a far distance and poorly executes the 'so-called' idea of class warfare. Nothing very special for me, just disappointed.

A graphic novel counts as a book, imo. Anyhoo, zombies have been all of the rage in the wake of the demise of Twilight and the popularity of The Walking Dead. Needless to say, the undead seeped their way into the Green Lantern universe resulting in a mess. I love the concept of the Black Lantern Corps and what they do. However, as the pages turn, the ability to suspend disbelief drains the way energy does from a power ring. Plus, you couldn't keep track of who was who without a scorecard. Yes, they managed to squeeze everyone from the DC Universe(including the biggies) yet.....Aquaman as a member of the Black Lantern Corps...Let me type this one more time...Aquaman as a member of the Black Lantern Corps!!!!

Hold up! Hold up! Before I get hateful comments regarding this, I'm only inducting the Season 3 finale, Welcome to the Tombs. For all the love and reverence I have for Too Far Gone, I equally hate and revile Welcome because its ending just makes you want to throw your viewing device out the window. Nothing was really solved, nothing was left for us to wonder what was next. No cliffhanger, nada. For a few previous episodes, Walking Dead was in danger of jumping the shark. With Welcome, I thought the show was going to be devoured by Jaws, Orca, the Sharknado,etc. However, Season 4 is the warm wind that drove it from the television abyss.

Last and certainly least, we come to some good ol' fashion putrid Nazi zombie cinema. The worst movie I have watched since...well...Crazy Fat Ethel II. I don't mean this as hyperbole, Zombie Lake is one of the worst films ever made. From its garbage SFX, its illogical line of reasoning(How does a zombie recognize anyone, let alone the daughter he fathered a decade previous?)and who did the editing? Someone with a schizo problem? The shooting? The French village must not have known to shoot them in the head. Ugh, this movie is giving me a headache again.Where's the Tylenol? More importantly...

And there you have it, Reaplings. I hope 2014 is nowhere near as painful as this year but if wishes were pigs...

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