Monday, December 31, 2012
The Crazy Fat Ethel Hall of Shame-Class of 2012
Every year, we as a horror society are inundated with best and worst lists for the year. While these are worthwhile endeavors, I feel that a spice needs to be thrown into the collective stew pot countdown. Hence, instead of counting down the worst horror movies I've seen this year, I thought "Why not induct them into a hall of shame?" 1)It limits the arguments. 2)Because these have to be special pieces of celluloid crap to be considered along side of the title of the worst horror movie ever made. So, without any more pretense, I induct the inaugural class of The Crazy Fat Ethel Hall of Shame. Bear in mind, to be considered for the year, I had to have seen it for the very first time during the year(i.e. It can be released during a previous year and still be eligible)
House at the End of the Street(2012)-The fact that this was the second of a drive-in double bill featuring the very good Sinister should have been my first clue as to how bad this movie was going to be. The secret-in-the-basement motif is on display and the secret should have stayed where it was. PG-13 horror is bad, PG-13 horror that is slow and not suspenseful gets an induction into the Hall of Shame. To quote my wife, "This is reminds me of a bad Lifetime movie." Well said, babe. Well said.
Jaws IV:The Revenge(1987)-Believe it or not, Reaplings, it took me 25 years to find out if the rumors that this movie sucked shark balls were true....Yes, they are..For those who are over the trauma of this...movie...Let me remind you, a shark is chasing a woman from New England to the Bahamas....One more time...A SHARK IS CHASING A WOMAN FROM NEW ENGLAND TO THE BAHAMAS!!!!
Amen, Mr. Barker.
Howling Three:The Marsupials(1987)-1987 is one of my favorite years in my life. Sadly, I have to induct a second movie from that year that disgraces another horror movie classic that came before it. I switched between healthy doses of laughter and groans in this one. In my initial review, I said,
"Believe it or not, the first half-hour isn't too terrible. The acting is good but once the ballet rolls in, the movie just falls apart like a turkey in a cooking bag. I mean, bad transformations, bad makeup except for the birth, you just can't suspend your disbelief. And again, this is Howling III:The Marsupials...where in the hell are the killer koala bears and kangaroos???? Oh, this movie deserves to stand alone....in a dark alley awaiting Godzilla to take a giant dump on it!!!!" Still waiting for that crap shoot, Mr. 'Zilla.
The Devil Inside(2012)- We conclude our inductions with the first horror movie I saw in the theatres this year. And is the WORST movie I've seen this year!!!! A misleading trailer followed by a couple of genuinely scary moments very intense, very real, but sandwiched inside those brief pieces of corned beef is rotting slabs of ancient potted meat. In between the good scenes are nothing more than History Channel documentary stuff that is just drab and uninspired.
Plus, without giving anything away....THE ENDING IS COMPLETE,UNADULTERATED BULLSHIT!!!!! Congrats, movie. You threw Ragu at your worthless prize! It didn't bother me this was yet another 'found footage' movie, what did bother me was just its inconsistency and the bullshit ending.
There you have it, Reaplings. The first class. They may or may not be the most memorable(time will answer that debate) but nevertheless, these ten unflushable nuggets will remain with me long after we've cared.
BTW, there are quite a few more stinkers worthy of induction but I'll save those for The Reapie Awards in March.
Posted by Rhonny Reaper