Monday, December 31, 2012

The Crazy Fat Ethel Hall of Shame-Class of 2012

By Eric Polk-
  Every year, we as a horror society are inundated with best and worst lists for the year. While these are worthwhile endeavors, I feel that a spice needs to be thrown into the collective stew pot countdown. Hence, instead of counting down the worst horror movies I've seen this year, I thought "Why not induct them into a hall of shame?" 1)It limits the arguments. 2)Because these have to be special pieces of celluloid crap to be considered along side of the title of the worst horror movie ever made. So, without any more pretense, I induct the inaugural class of The Crazy Fat Ethel Hall of Shame. Bear in mind, to be considered for the year, I had to have seen it for the very first time during the year(i.e. It can be released during a previous year and still be eligible)

House at the End of the Street(2012)-The fact that this was the second of a drive-in double bill featuring the very good Sinister should have been my first clue as to how bad this movie was going to be. The secret-in-the-basement motif is on display and the secret should have stayed where it was. PG-13 horror is bad, PG-13 horror that is slow and not suspenseful gets an induction into the Hall of Shame. To quote my wife, "This is reminds me of a bad Lifetime movie." Well said, babe. Well said.

Jaws IV:The Revenge(1987)-Believe it or not, Reaplings, it took me 25 years to find out if the rumors that this movie sucked shark balls were true....Yes, they are..For those who are over the trauma of me remind you, a shark is chasing a woman from New England to the Bahamas....One more time...A SHARK IS CHASING A WOMAN FROM NEW ENGLAND TO THE BAHAMAS!!!!

Hellraiser:Revelations(2011)-"I want to put on record that the flick out there using the word Hellraiser IS NO FUCKIN' CHILD OF MINE! have NOTHING to do with the fuckin' thing. If they claim its from the mind of Clive Barker, it's a lie. It's not even from my butt-hole."-Clive Barker
Amen, Mr. Barker.

Drag Me To Hell(2009)-Sam Raimi's big return to horror following his lucrative Spider Man run.....Not quite as good as your first trip into the genre, big boy. Where is the pure emotion in this? Remember the first scene? Medium tries to rescue a boy? Boy falls off staircase and apparently gets up almost fresh as a daisy? The initial clash between  Christine and Mrs. Ganush? It may work in The Evil Dead but c'mon, you had a higher budget as evidenced by all the ridiculous CGI plastering this film. And to top that shit off..YOU KILLED A CAT!!!!

The Raven(2012)-You want to get my fellow DBHR co-hosts to fight? Just mention the decline of John Cusack's performances. Here, he makes Brandon's case that he has been terrible this past decade. The story idea is good. The execution is awful. The Pit and The Pendulum scene has to go down as the biggest disappointment in a movie for 2012.

The Possession(2012)-Sam Raimi gets another inductee sent to the Hall of Shame(he co-produced this garbage). Girl buys a cursed box. What comes out? Not Pinhead but what essentially becomes a Jewish version of The Exorcist. Yes, I probably shouldn't be comparing the two but it just couldn't be help. Oh, extra credit for the line, "I hate hospitals...People die here."

Midnight Mass(2003)-During the Halloween Horror Movie Marathon Madness contest over on Facebook, I really wanted to pan and scan for some lesser-known vampire movies. Be careful what you wish for. Ok gore is diluted by piss poor acting, continuity, and even more piss poor acting.

 Howling Three:The Marsupials(1987)-1987 is one of my favorite years in my life. Sadly, I have to induct a second movie from that year that disgraces another horror movie classic that came before it. I switched between healthy doses of laughter and groans in this one. In my initial review, I said,
"Believe it or not, the first half-hour isn't too terrible. The acting is good but once the ballet rolls in, the movie just falls apart like a turkey in a cooking bag. I mean, bad transformations, bad makeup except for the birth, you just can't suspend your disbelief. And again, this is Howling III:The Marsupials...where in the hell are the killer koala bears and kangaroos???? Oh, this movie deserves to stand a dark alley awaiting Godzilla to take a giant dump on it!!!!"  Still waiting for that crap shoot, Mr. 'Zilla.

Silent House(2011)-You thought you were soooooo clever, Chris Kentis and Laura Lau. Making a movie that mocks real-time. It worked in Open Water. Here, it works if you need a break from Sominex. And the ending was beyond hideous. Thanks for making me sick.

The Devil Inside(2012)- We conclude our inductions with the first horror movie I saw in the theatres this year. And is the WORST movie I've seen this year!!!! A misleading trailer followed by a couple of genuinely scary moments very intense, very real, but sandwiched inside those brief pieces of corned beef is rotting slabs of ancient potted meat. In between the good scenes are nothing more than History Channel documentary stuff that is just drab and uninspired.

Plus, without giving anything away....THE ENDING IS COMPLETE,UNADULTERATED BULLSHIT!!!!! Congrats, movie. You threw Ragu at your worthless prize! It didn't bother me this was yet another 'found footage' movie, what did bother me was just its inconsistency and the bullshit ending.

There you have it, Reaplings. The first class. They may or may not be the most memorable(time will answer that debate) but nevertheless, these ten unflushable nuggets will remain with me long after we've cared.

BTW, there are quite a few more stinkers worthy of induction but I'll save those for The Reapie Awards in March.



cheesemeister (too lazy to log in) said...

My son and I actually enjoyed Drag Me to Hell, although maybe we just thought the talking Satanic goat was cool.
Was Crazy Fat Ethel a movie? Because if not and you want a live Crazy Fat Ethel model, I'll totally do it! I've got long gray hair and I'm the opposite of thin. My face isn't particularly awful, but I could make it worse. Let me know!

Eric Polk said...

Crazy Fat Ethel was a movie actually titled Crazy Fat Ethel II(1987) a.k.a Criminally Insane II, sequel to the 1970s Criminally Insane. CFE II is a S.O.V. piece of crap that can be found as an extra on the Satan's Black Wedding/Criminally Insane dvd.

DrunkethWizerd said...

I really wanted to like House at the End of the Street. Such a shame.

cheesemeister (too lazy to log in) said...

Ya learn something new every day! I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do with my newfound Crazy Fat Ethel knowledge, but I'm sure there's some sort of use for it. ;-)