Thursday, August 25, 2011

It Came From Netflix:Pieces(1982)-Part I

By Eric Polk-
So here I am, upstairs in my ready room about to spew forth my take on a movie that seems to have cranked the dials of the hardcore horror nation to eleven for years...except for DBH's own Brandon Sites. So let's begin with the trailer for this film since it seems to give off 'geekgasms' in the words of Ms.Reaper....

I don't? Well, I'm hooked. Oh and the byline on the movie poster says It's Exactly What You Think It Is....So with a movie named Pieces, Am I gonna to get a story about a group of orphaned children on a wacky road trip in search of a family? It's directed by .....OH HELL...Juan Piquer Simon....the same person who directed a film famously skewered in the early days of MST3K knows as Pod People...
Anyway...let's get on with it.

In 1942, a young boy plays with a jigsaw puzzle of a nude woman when his mother walks in, she chastises him for it. The mother grabs a picture of her husband and smashes it on the mirror. The mother then orders the boy to get a plastic bag because "I'm gonna burn everything." The boy gruesomely murders her with an axe instead of getting the plastic bag. The nanny rings the doorbell, but no one answers it. The room is covered with blood and the mother's head is bleeding. The nanny then rings the doorbell a bunch of times. The phone then rings as the boy is cutting the mom into pieces with a saw. The police later arrive, and the boy is finishing the puzzle, but when the police break in, he hides in a closet. The police find blood all over the place, the police open the closet door and find the mother's head inside. The police hears the boy weeping in the closet, so they open the door and find the boy covered in blood. The police questions the whereabouts of the father; the nanny replies hesitantly and lying obviously that he's in Europe with the Air Force, but the boy has an aunt an hour away and she'll take the boy over there.....and there is your psychological moment of the film,kids.

40 years later, the killer opens the drawer and takes out a box and finds his mom's clothes covered in blood, (it then shows a flashback what had happened), and a photo of her. The next scene is a girl skateboarding through town, but however, she ends up crashing into a glass frame and is killed. Back at the Dean's house, he takes out another box, containing pieces of the puzzle of the nude woman, he then starts putting some of the pieces together. Then, the chainsaw-wielding psychopathic killer is on the loose on a college campus in Boston.(The killer must be a Yankees fan, hey-yo!!!)

Wait. investigating this case is...CHRISTOPHER GEORGE....Alright, maybe he can make sense out of what is starting off as a nonsensical film...then again, the dubbed voices, the non-linear scenes... killer wearing black gloves...Pieces has the wonderful aroma of an Italian giallo, even though it was shot in Spain. Ok wait a anatomy lesson on the pectoral?....TENNIS...who plays tennis in a horror film?...WTF?...TENNIS!!!!! I'm forty minutes into this and only two people have died...the second rather lamely....It is what exactly what you think it is, my ass!!!!! Ok, I'm gonna finish this review tomorrow, Reaplings. This movie has gotten on my nerves.

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