Saturday, December 19, 2009

Rhonny Reaper's Top 5 WORST Films of 2009

*WARNING: I may use a lot of bad words....ok I DO use a lot of bad words so If you got virgin eyes...what the hell am I saying, proceed.*

#5 Friday the 13th (remake of Friday the 13th)
A group of young adults discover a boarded up Camp Crystal Lake, where they soon encounter Jason Voorhees and his deadly intentions.
Ok. Remakes are great when your trying to make a bad movie better (take The Fly for example. I loved the version with Jeff Goldblum) but when it comes to Horror Classics, such as Friday the 13th, LEAVE IT THE FUCK ALONE! I mean Halloween, Friday the 13th, and Soon Freddy!?! Christ sakes please just STOP! How about coming up with a original idea and stop screwing up everyone else's!

#4 The Uninvited (remake of A Tale of Two Sisters)
Anna Rydell returns home to her sister (and best friend) Alex after a stint in a mental hospital, though her recovery is jeopardized thanks to her cruel stepmother, aloof father, and the presence of a ghost in their home.
Ok this one makes me the most angry, cause I ADORE the original Korean film. This one is all bout less...Less acting, Less blood, Less Horror! I mean Asian horror films have at atmosphere that just screams "Holy Shit get me outta here!" This remake screams "Holy Shit get me outta this theater!" Along with stopping the remakes of classic horror films, we should stop remaking great Asian horror as well (ex: The Ring, The Grudge, The Eye...STOP IT!)

#3 Sorority Row (remake of House on Sorority Row)
A group of sorority sisters try to cover up the death of their house-sister after a prank gone wrong, only to be stalked by a serial killer.
Hey, it's another Remake! Now see this is a film that should be remade...except they fucked it up. The reason? They made this a generic horror film! The acting was bad, there was too many typical scary movie tactics used to anything to works, and tell me one memorable moment from this movie that you an take with you....I'll wait....

#2 The Stepfather (remake of The Stepfather)
Michael returns home from military school to find his mother happily in love and living with her new boyfriend. As the two men get to know each other, he becomes more and more suspicious of the man.
Yet Another fucking remake (are you seeing a trend?) and again this wasn't a big classic so I could see why it was remade...but again they can't stop fucking shit up! Look there's nothing wrong with retelling a old story, but telling a story again in the same way as I've seen it a million times before...come on now, I know we an do better (ex: The Blob from 1988, a fun and good retelling)!

#1 The Unborn
A girl finds out she had a twin that died in utero because her umbilical cord had wrapped around his neck in the womb and strangled him, and she didn't become aware of it until decades later when his evil spirit decided that he was ready to be born now.
Hell I don't even know where to I begin here...Maybe with the 'oh we can't afford Megan Fox so lets get an exact replica who acts even worse than she does', or maybe the use of every horror movie cliché EVER, or maybe the horrible story thats so unbelievable, the Balloon Boy's Dad is even thinking WTF? Or know what Ima stop here cause I could go on forever.


Anonymous said...

I hated the Friday the 13th remake with the fury of 1,000 suns. Haven't seen the others (and didn't know that the Uninvited was a remake, what a terrible name) and now I most certainly will not.

Rhonny Reaper said...

yeah the original was GREAT! (Tale of two sisters) It was the highest grossing Korean Horror film ever...and they just HAD to remake it for america....

the jaded viewer said...

Hmm only saw Ft13th...thats a good thing right?

If I see Friday on any top 10 lists of best horror movies I'm going to make fun of whoever wrote it up.

Rhonny Reaper said...

yes it's a VERY good thing! lol My only advie to anyone interested in ANY of these films...go watch the original!

I Like Horror Movies said...

UNINVITED remains uninvited in my house, fail. TALE OF TWO SISTERS > all!!

Darius Whiteplume said...

I dodged all of these bullets, though I was tempted to see "The Unborn" - glad to see you are a member of the "Megan Fox is Shit" community with me ;-D