Thursday, September 1, 2011
Dollar Bin Horror Torture:Crazy Fat Ethel II(1987....Oh how could you 80s)
Oh, you'll have to forgive me, Reaplings. You see I've been drinking the night away as I've been watching an all Star Trek movie marathon and taking a drink every time William Shathead hams it up and Patrick Stewart(DA MAN!!!!) goes into authoritarian voice territory.
But you see it's a good thing because I need the alcohol in my system to complete this f'n review. Let's be blunt, Crazy Fat Ethel II a.k.a. Criminally Insane II a.k.a. Mrs. Lander's 5th grade class makes a horror movie a.k.a. Dr. Phil's Aversion Therapy film a.k.a.....Oh hell, this...movie...SUCKS!!!!
Let me tell you how the director/writer Nick Millard wants you to interpret this....movie....A mental hospital, faced with a severe decrease in funding(must be funded by....oh hell,I'm too drunk for puns) is forced to release mass-murderer Ethel Janowski(from the first Criminally Insane) into a halfway house. Ethel is psychotic, delusional and has a hefty appetite. In fact, her killing spree began 13 years before with the murder of her grandmother, who had forced her to go on a diet. Now that she's tasted the home-cooked fare at the halfway house, she'll do absolutely anything to get more.
But let me tell you how it really is
0:03-Pudding-Fu(It's too damn small!)
0:07-the rest of the movie:bad acting
And that is what the rest of this movie is...flashbacks, flashbacks, flashbacks, more pudding-fu, dog-food cuisine, flashbacks, 3 Musketeers-fu.....Ok....that's it I'm done....This movie is just really f'n bad!!!! The Room thinks this movie is stupid....Troll 2 is The Godfather compared to this.....Uwe Boll and the late Ed Wood wouldn't touch this....but another thing about Crazy Fat Ethel II........
Sorry folks, Eric got a "little" carried away with the drinksy winksies...so it is I who shall carry on his work after he...passes out (although after seeing this movie, I wouldn't mind putting a pillow over his face...) JUST KIDDING! But seriously...
Eric was right...this film really IS worse than Troll 2! I wasn't even sure if that was possible (Other than Teenagers From Outerspace), but I'll be damned it is! For instance, the opening of the movie...I know it's low budget, but are you serious? The title of the movie in the beginning of the credits looks like they just glued paper letters to a black piece of cardboard and squeezed some ketchup on it...just damn.
Then, as Eric so eloquently pointed out, went get a shitload of flashback sequences from the first film spliced in throughout this one. The main problem with this? While neither film is of high quality whatsoever...the sequel's scenes look even shitter than the first film's! The second is that almost HALF of the film, which is only about an hour people, is fucking flashbacks! It's like the makers were just too fucking lazy to make a whole new film. No matter how shitty a film is, I still want to see a damn effort! The only upside to this is with all the damn flashbacks...you can probably skip the first movie all together (or just save your brain cells and not watch either...).
And I mean what else is there to say? Bad acting, horrible plot, but an ample amount of stupidity and cheese! I will say though, I did find it at least funny enough to make it through the entire film...so there I said something positive...sort of. Listen folks, if you see this one in your dollar bin...LEAVE IT THERE AND RUN LIKE HELL!!! Now I have to go draw sharpie penises on Eric's face while he's still knocked out...