Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Rhonny Reaper's Manifesto (AKA her Super Awesome Bitchfest of Power)!

Last week, our very own Eric Polk posted a "manifesto" of his beliefs in the culture of horror. Today, I thought I'd take a stab at making one...although I feel mine may be more of a bitch-fest rather than a manifesto. These are my personal views and may not reflect the views of Eric, Brandon, or the readers so if you feel there is something you would like to discus or if you have some views of your own you'd like to share in a manifesto, post a comment! We love hearing from the readers!

1. I've said it before and I'll say it till I die, the remakes need to stop! The only films that should be remade are those that could use improvement, NOT great classics like Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday The 13th, and, apparently in the works, The Crow. If it's ain't broke, don't fix it!

2. Along the lines of the whole "remake" issue, I have a plea to American horror film makers...STOP REMAKING JAPANESE HORROR FILMS! You'll just fuck em up, so don't...just don't!

3. No matter how many shitty films he may have made between his masterpieces, I will always love Wes Craven. He's proof that someone from the hell I live in, Cleveland (it's a love/hate relationship), can make it in the world of horror.

4. Vincent Price is the best horror actor ever. Period.

5. Why do so many recent horror films rely more on gore than on plot? Yes, blood is good, guts are great, a chainsaw or a trap to twist your spine is fun, but if I'm bored with the plot line 20 minutes into the fucking movie, I could care less how pretty a flying chunk of arm looks flying at me in 3D.

6. And speaking of 3D...it's the biggest waste of money I have ever seen in the film industry in general. Instead of paying $8 a ticket (which is still too fucking much), I'm charged $13 for a stupid pair of plastic glasses (which you have to give back after the movie...go figure) and for an effect which does nothing to enhance a film that just fucking sucks to begin with. Keep your overpriced 3D bullshit (and for that matter, your $7 sodas, your $12 popcorns, and your $8 nachos you money hungry bastards!)

7. I've had plenty of people explain to me their viewpoints and reasons they didn't like 1408, but I still can't wrap my head around it. It's one of my favorite horror films in recent years and showcases John Cusack's phenomenal acting chops. Plus, it did it's job as a suspenseful horror film without all the gore and guts. To each his own, but I thinks it's a good fucking movie.

8. Out of all the horror movie creatures, Zombies rein supreme. While the basic concept for zombies is the same in most movies (undead folks who want to eat you and/or your brains), they can be terrifying, funny, creepy, disgusting, and even romantic (yeah, I said romantic. Watch Phantom Planet's music video for Big Brat) all in the same shot. If you really stop to think of all the fantastic ways they have been filmed and written about over the years, the Zombie is one of the most versatile and longest-lasting figures in horror culture.

9. Ever since Twilight came out, I've sadly lost most of my appeal for Vampires. Yes, there have been some good Vampire films that have come out since Stephenie Meyers ass-raped the whole genre with her sparkling turds, but I long for the classic Dracula or Nosferatu style films of old. I think a new-yet-classic Vampire film is needed to teach these 14 year old teeny-bopping bimbos what a REAL Vampire is suppose to act like!

10. (This is gonna be a long one...) Why do most horror films relating to witches show them worshiping Satan or casting evil hexes on people? Being that I am a practicing Witch, I feel it must be said that we don't even believe in Satan, so what the fuck is up with all the Devil movies (even in a historical sense, most "Witches" that were killed weren't witches at all, so they didn't worship Satan either)? And even films that try to show modern Witches in a more realistic way gotta mess shit up so that something "Witch related" is gonna kill you (i.e. The Blair Witch 2. Horrible film, not-so-bad portrayal of a real life Witch by Erica Leerhsen...till the whole "Mark of the witch meaning you're the next to die" thing came up...gawd people!). I'm not saying I hate all Witch related films (I actually like a good amount of them), but I feel they should at least be off-set with a good horror movie in which the Witch is like the fucking hero or something, Damn!


Eric Polk said...

With regards to #9...."Daybreakers" is an awesome example of a modern-day (though it takes place in the future) vampire film...

Rhonny Reaper said...

I know, it's a great film but I really just miss the old fashion Vampire films without all the high tech gizmos and effects and the....sparkling!...I just want some good old fashion Drac! lol

Morbidementia said...

This is a monumental manifesto! I feel like standing up and saluting. And I also feel like I know Rhonny Reaper just a little bit better. Good stuff, love it.

Faycin A Croud said...

I agree with you 100% on the remakes. No damn imagination! Vincent Price is the man, and as for gore, I'd always rather see a cerebral horror movie than something along the lines of "Saw." I love zombies but I still haven't lost my love for non-sparkly vampires, it will just take a while to counter the super duper uber wimpy take on them that Stephanie Meyer barfed upon us true horror fans.
And I 100% agree with you on the horror movie witches. Witches do not worship Satan--period.

Rhonny Reaper said...

I'm glad you guys liked it! It made me feel so much better after writing it that i think I may have to do more posts like this :)

Tim said...

I'm there with you on points 5 through 9. Most contemporary horror movie plots are lame and predictable. Pointless gore does not equal scary! Suspense and shock equal scary! Night of the Living Dead hardly showed any gore but that movie was scary as hell.

And how many times can you see an object jump at you, fly at you or look like it's going to smash into you before people realize 3D is the biggest hoax since balloon boy?

Zombies pwn. End of story. Google it if you don't know.

Sparkles are for little girls and diamonds. Not vampires.

And Rhonny Reaper is the greatest. *hug*