Monday, February 28, 2011

Special Post - The J.L. Bryan Blog Tour!

Post written by  J.L. Bryan

For today’s blog tour stop at Dollar Bin Horror, I just wanted to repost this Elm Street Journal article about the often-neglected plight of an underserved community in our country. 

Monster Unemployment Reaches Record Highs

Monsters are struggling harder than ever to find jobs, according to a new report from monster employment agency Nightmare Staffing.

“We’ve never had this much trouble placing clients,” said Gwzyxlel Brymlock, a senior relationship manager with the agency’s goblin/demon division. “It’s across the board—the giant leeches, the green aliens with the antennae, the octopus men—nobody is getting work.”

The new report shows that monster employment has been in slow decline since its peak in the late sixties and the early seventies, when filmmakers such as Roger Corman kept monsters of all stripes gainfully employed.
“It was really sliding downhill by the 1980s,” said Schlobular the Swamp Beast, from his room at the Beverly Hills Monster Retirement Home and Water Treatment Facility. “Why, back in my day, we cut two movies a month.  Beware the Swamp Beast. The Swamp Beast Cometh.  Swamp Beast Free Candy­—that one really brought the kids into the theaters!

“But by the eighties, people had moved on from your radioactive-hybrid-fish-beasts and other respectable, classical monsters,” Schlobular recalled. “They wanted guys in hockey masks, guys in clown masks.  All of a sudden, nobody thought a giant moth with fire-blaster eyes was scary anymore.  But those are the kinds of stories that made America great.”

 Even the rising economic tide of the 1990s failed to lift the boats for America’s monster population, instead leaving them adrift at sea.

“Look, I’m on disability at this point,” said Zungcrok, a mutant lizard who lives in a tank at the same retirement and wastewater facility. “I’m extremely sensitive to radiation.  If I’m in a convenience store, and some guy fires up the microwave, I’m suddenly a thousand feet tall, breathing fire and suffering anger issues.  I haven’t had steady acting work in almost thirty years, and those Mystery Science Theater residual checks aren’t rolling in anymore, either.  If I can’t make movies, what am I going to do?”

Monsters even struggle to find part-time jobs.  The dark god Cthulhu, who must work outdoors due to his mountains of dark and writhing tentacles, found employment as an elementary school crossing guard, a position where he did not last long.

“The Hollywood studios summoned me from the darkest depths of sunken R'lyeh to eat actresses in their films!” Great Cthulhu bellowed to the cosmos. “You would think I’d get some sort of pension.”
“Cthulhu really makes a good point,” said Torpus the Fanged Bug-Man. “They brought me here from a little island in the South Pacific in the 1950s.  I had a good thing going there, with a small tribal cult of natives who worshipped and feared me, brought me fruit and meat.  Next thing you know, along come the movie producers.  They promise me the world on a rotten-carcass platter, and they swoop me up and ship me to Hollywood.  Now, all these years later, I’m displaced.  Those island natives don’t want me back, either.  They’ve stocked up on Raid in case I return.”

Some monsters are finding work in the video game world.
“I don’t know what everybody in L.A.’s complaining about,” said Fungopos the Alien Slime Mold, from his mansion overlooking Seattle. “Next year, they’re putting out Alien Mold 15: The De-Fleshening.  Every major gaming platform.  You can pre-order it today.  Speaking of movies, we’re actually in talks with somebody in Hollywood about an Alien Mold movie, but I’m not supposed to say who.” Fungopos then whispered, “Michael Bay.”
Unfortunately, Fungopos is the exception rather than the rule.  Monster unemployment has reached a record 85%, and no clear solution to the problem lies ahead.
“If only there were some way to use fear and overwhelming physical force to get money out of people,” Schlobular the Swamp Beast lamented. “Until we figure out how to do that, I’ll just keep my fins crossed for that cashier job at Staples.”

Thanks for taking the time to read about this important issue today.  Now it’s time for a:


For my Dollar Bin Horror giveaway semi-bonanza, I’ll give an ebook copy of my .99-cent short story collection Dark Tomorrows to everyone who comments on this post within the next 7 days.  Just provide an email address where I can send the free gift copy.  (I can send it through your Blogger profile if your email is available there.)

Commenting on this post within seven days also gives you one entry toward The Haunted E-book Tour Grand Prizes, including The Haunted Library and a Kindle (or two…).

Thanks so much to Rhonny Reaper for hosting the blog tour today!

J.L. Bryan studied English literature at the University of Georgia and at Oxford, with a focus on the English Renaissance and the Romantic period.  He also studied screenwriting at UCLA.  He is the author of five novels and one short-story collection.  He enjoys remixing elements of paranormal, supernatural, fantasy, horror and science fiction into new kinds of stories.  His new novel is The Haunted E-book.  The sequel to his novel Jenny Pox will be available by summer 2011. 


SandyG265 said...


I already have a copy of Dark Tomorrows so need to send me one. But please enter me for the other drawings.

Maybe monsters could set up thier own idie film making group.

free movies online said...

Video game is always on the hype. In every single step of high technology. Video game development is in rapid advance of development too.

Katy said...

Ha :) Hilarious. Maybe we can outsource the monsters? I'm sure the starving children in Africa could use a good scare now and then :) ahahah I already have Dark Tomorrows, but please enter me in the grand prize contests and all :)
hense1kk AT cmich DOT edu

Rabid Fox said...

I feel sorry for the monsters. Not only is work hard to find, but even when they get some people to terrorize, they're usually destroyed by dimwitted teens. I mean, that has to sting, doesn't it?

I've already snagged myself copies of J.L.'s e-books, but I'll gladly throw my name in the hat for a Kindle & Haunted Library. :)

Life Outloud said...

I love the outsourcing idea! This was a original blog! Love your writing! I hope to see you at the next tour spot!

Darkeva said...

Just continuing to follow the blog tour with Jeff, nice to see it's still going so strong! I loved this post and thought it was laugh out loud funny :-)


donnas said...

Great post. Thanks for sharing.

bacchus76 at myself dot com

Gunn Angelskår said...

Here in Norway, we don't have those problems. The employment agencies give the monsters to set of masks, one halfway polite, and the other quite negative. The monsters then get jobs in government, bank or insurance.

Daph said...

WOW this is great stuff Maynard
I have a fondness for Monsters and I keep them employed in my sub basement

Lee said...

Love it. I am not familiar with your work, I happened upon this thanks to a retweet by Amanda Hocking. This was spectacular and had me laughing. Horror is my favorite genre of movie and books. I am in the middle of a book, but have added you to my must check out list.

Jan von Harz said...

Once again JL shows his quirky sense of humor and it reaches realms far beyond the ghostly world. This was a lot of fun to read, and being a child of the 50 and 60's I do feel quite saddened for the monster community, but lets face it, this is just another aspect of our difficult economic times.

JL_Bryan said...

Thanks, Sandy! Indie filmmaking might work, if they can figure out how to hold the camera in their claws!

Katy, I hadn't considered charity work for the monsters :)

Rabid Fox - That's true, it has to hurt a little to get defeated by annoying teens.

Life Outloud- Thanks so much!

Nice to see you again, Darkeva :)

Thanks, Donna!

Gunn- I suspect the same program may be quietly underway here in America...

Daph- Thanks for helping with the monster unemployment problem!

Lee- Thanks, Amanda's great! :)

Jan- Yes, it's rough for everyone, including those with horns & fangs

Anonymous said...

It's rough when even the large and scary among us can't find employment.

Funny article. Thanks for the laugh.

Julia Scott


Anne said...

Fun post. It certainly wasn't what I was expecting to see when I stopped by. Good luck with the rest of the tour.

Lady Dragoness said...

Monsters should be making video games... they're so much fun.

sean said...

Im gonna go with monsters in health care so when you meet your doctor you get the scare out of the way before you see the bill :-)

Melanie said...

Wow. The economy has taken its toll on everyone. Damn you, Obama!

Britany said...

I love this blog! Monsters have rights too. they ehould start a union.

michirah said...

I absolutely loved this blog. I posted it all over Facebook and sent it out in an email to the people I work with. (Fridays are our long days at the bank and we can use a giggle or two) They LOVED it. :)

Shanella said...

J.L. Bryan, you are so creative! Monsters unemployment =) I suppose Monsters Inc. just doesn't have enough jobs for the population.

ishanella (at) gmail

JL_Bryan said...

Thanks for all your comments about this serious problem! I've sent free ebooks of Dark Tomorrows to everyone who commented (and left contact info).